Coming soon – ‘The Global Moderate’

By Mariam Mokhtar

If Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak cannot secure a seat in Pekan in GE13, the petty traders event of 26 May has shown that he and his wife, the self-styled First Lady Rosmah Mansor, can work as teh tarik hawkers.

They were provided with the bright blue uniforms for their new trade, and did not spill a drop when they showed off their skills to an audience of around 10,000 people at Dataran Merdeka.

Although one member of this team may be vertically challenged, this problem is easily solved with a foot-stool for added height to achieve a good head on the teh tarik.

Petty trading does have its risks, especially when there are protests and business is affected. Moreover, petty trading only brings in petty cash (unlike the lucrative job of an independent consultant in arms sales).

Najib could always start a singing group called Najib and the Extremes, fashioned after Diana Ross and the Supremes.

NONEWitnesses opine that Najib should not entertain a singing career after his cringeworthy performance at a sing-along, with Prince Albert of Monaco, at the Islamic Fashion Festival held in Monaco two years ago.

There is always a career in films.

Most Malaysians will have heard of Sacha Baron Cohen and his latest film, ‘The Dictator’, which has been billed as “the heroic story of a dictator who risked his life to ensure that democracy would never come to the country he so lovingly oppressed”.

Might we suggest a film called ‘The Global Moderate’ which could feature Najib, as the champion of moderation, inclusivity and tolerance? Najib can be touted as the great Malaysian leader who fights against the forces of extremism, to create a harmonious nation.

Apco is a waste of time and money. ‘The Global Moderate’ can achieve the same whitewash for a fraction of the price and at the same time increase tourism to Malaysia.

movie borat 290909Baron Cohen did this with Kazakhstan in his other film ‘Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan’. The Kazakhstan connection with Najib is pure coincidence.

In ‘The Dictator’, Admiral General Hafez Aladeen (Baron Cohen), is the leader of a north-African country. Aladeen is a childish, lecherous, anti-western and anti-Semitic despot who is protected by a group of well endowed female bodyguards.

For obvious reasons, Najib won’t be allowed the protection unit of either the fictional General Aladeen or the former dictator, Muammar Gaddafi, with his red-bereted female virgin protection squad.

A little romance, scandal…

Every good story has a little romance, jealousy, conflict, scandal and money. ‘The Global Moderate’ is no exception.

The main theme will remain the “moderation” as described in Najib’s ‘best democracy in the world’.

In Malaysia more than anywhere else in the world, the word Ali appears to be synonymous with controversial people and topics. The driving force for the “moderation” in this movie will be achieved by the Alis of Malaysia.

We have the ‘Ali Baba’ business arrangement where several layers of subcontracts inflate the price of almost every project. The Malay, or the Ali of the business deal, fronts the Baba, or the non-Malay (mostly Chinese) partnership. There are several Ali Babas in Najib’s New Economic Policy (NEP).

The Tongkat Ali is Malaysia’s own natural, organically grown Viagra which men use to increase their libido, heighten their sexual performance and desire, as well as treat erectile dysfunction. A steamy scene in ‘The Global Moderate’ wouldn’t be complete without a reference to Tongkat Ali.

NONEIn an interview with Al-Jazeera, Ibrahim Ali (left), leader of the Malay group Perkasa, will always be remembered for the censorship bleeps rather its content. He once claimed that men were forced into extramarital sex because wives neglected their wifely duties. He tried to wage a “jihad” against Malaysian Christians because of an alleged plot to overthrow Islam as the official religion.

In Bersih 2.0 Ibrahim Ali threatened chaos and warned the Chinese to stock up on provisions. In Bersih 3.0 he said the organisers were of “unsound mind”. Earlier this year, he caused offence by offering the Chinese community white ang-pows. Despite his racist comments, he has never been censured.

Hasan Ali, another Malaysian politician, banned the sale of liquor in some convenience stores and barred Muslims from working in establishments selling alcohol. He threw the whole of the entertainment, transport and hospitality industry into confusion.

He claimed that Valentine’s Day was responsible for “indecent” acts and he accused Christian groups of converting Muslims with  subtle methods such as ‘charity dinners’ and with solar-powered talking Bibles. To date, the rakyat is still waiting to see who the converted Malays are.

Secret weapon

Umi Hafilda Ali is former Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad’s secret weapon. She emerges when the Malaysian government is facing a crisis, and is a perfect decoy when the government has bad news to bury.

She provided the perfect distraction in Kerdau and Merlimau in 2011. She emerged just before Anwar Ibrahim’s Sodomy II verdict in January 2012.

She is Umno’s femme fatale and her antics are followed with fascination by the Malaysian public who can never resist the charms of a woman. Some say she is less the agent provocateur but more an irritating agitator.

ali rustamFinally there is Ali Rustam (left), the Chief Minister of Malacca who could not wait for the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) to award Malacca a “developed state” status, so he bestowed the award himself.

He paid RM16 million for Malacca’s 1.6 km monorail which has not worked since its launch. The monorail has been dubbed a tourist failure rather than a tourist attraction.

Ali Rustam chartered an aircraft which allegedly entered Indonesian air space illegally two years ago. To the embarrassment of the Malaysian government, Najib’s young son was in this supposed trade delegation.

Ali Rustam is also responsible for Malacca’s latest white elephant, the RM272 million tram transportation system which costs an eye-watering RM7 million per kilometre.

Universal Studios need look no further. All we need are the Bollywood screenwriters. Who would have thought that the Alis of Malaysia, the Malaysian cabinet, former politicians and an ex-PM would inspire the next epic blockbuster? -  Mkini


MARIAM MOKHTAR is a non-conformist traditionalist from Perak, a bucket chemist and an armchair eco-warrior. In ‘real-speak’, this translates into that she comes from Ipoh, values change but respects culture, is a petroleum chemist and also an environmental pollution-control scientist.

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